This is one of the first warning signs for me that I am going to hit a mega depressive episode. I feel that little bastard slowly edging his way in and almost every single time I turn to spending or eating – or both. These are both habits I’d rather not have, almost addictions actually. I’m addicted to the little buzz of endorphins I get when I have mail, and when I have new things. I think I am going to make a conscious effort to not buy anything that I don’t need to keep my dog alive or my business running until the end of March. Just to see how much money I can put in the ever emptying mortgage pot I have, because everytime I fill it I buy something daft or something comes up. I’m going to hold myself accountable, every time I buy something I shouldn’t I’m going to put it on here. That might help me get over it, having to actually show other people how bad it gets.
Now, I’m not financially crippled, but I’m certainly not well off enough to keep up this binge buying for much longer. I have so many pretty things in my life that are a result of a sorry attempt to beat the blues by spending money that I should be saving. When the depressive episodes fade off for a while and I look around at all the things, it’s bitter sweet. I love them, of course. I wouldn’t have bought them otherwise. I also feel guilt, guilt that I shouldn’t have, that I should have saved the money or waited until I knew I wasn’t just buying it for the 5 second thrill of getting mail. The guilt makes me resent myself for not having the strength to stop spending money when I’m down. Which generally starts the cycle over more quickly than it would if I had managed to keep my card away from all the pretty things.
I’m fully capable of not spending, I’ve lasted long periods of time saving spare money and not binge buying, but lately I’ve gotten lazy with that strength to resist the urge. I reason with myself.
‘You work hard, why not treat yourself?!’
Because generally you don’t need a treat every week and you don’t work hard enough to warrant throwing hundreds of pounds around like confetti at a wedding.
Just last night I did it. I went to the shop, yes I walked to the end of the road for crisps and didn’t die – achievement unlocked!’ for ‘a bag of transformer crisps’ I came out of the shop £12 lighter. Picking up things like it was supermarket sweep. I almost forgot the bloody crisps I went in for.
Then I spent most of the evening thinking about why I did it. Then promptly went online and bought another a painting of a whale.
It’s getting silly now, all these beautiful pieces end up in the box of ‘oh I should get a frame for that’ and basically don’t ever come out. I keep meaning to go through and sell some things, and then I look at them and fail in love all over again.
It’s not always an expensive binge but that’s not the point. It’s the lack of self control, the guilt and resentment that follow and almost always leave me in a position of buying more shit I don’t need or really want. Do I feel happier today with my £12 buy all the things bag – the simple answer is NO. I’m still depressed, And I don’t even want the crisps now because I’ve got zero appetite for anything.
Ugh. I’m going back to bed.