I’ve been AWOL. Life has been – well it’s been life, y’know?! The dog has been ill, one of my siblings has been quite unwell – however both appear to be on the mend plus with the normal stresses of being a human with a nice dose of depression thrown in, I appear to have lost a few weeks. Autopilot kicked in.
Time flies when you’re having fun, but God only knows what happens to it when you’re suffering with mental illness, I’m pretty sure it was March yesterday.
I’ve been trying to force myself out of this slump of misery, but feel like just as I’m getting there, the curve ball comes and it’s back to square one. Can I catch a break now please!? That’s the trouble with mental illness, you can have all the positive will in the world but if it’s coming for you, there is no escape. It sucks. It really, really sucks!
Despite my desire to live in my bed this past few weeks, I have dragged myself out of it, mostly exhausted because I’m still not sleeping properly. Anxiety dreams and nightmares. Perfect. *sigh*
I’ve been busy painting and creating when I’m not working. I’m 23 days into my 100 days challenge and it’s refreshing to make time to create something everyday. I will have to continue on with setting aside a little time each day to get messy creative.
In other news I did finally finish sorting out all that craft stuff, and managed to binge watch 13 reasons why – which is a must watch. I loved it. Tempted to watch it all again, actually.
I’ve also been trying to push myself to go for walks without the safety net of the pupdog. It’s been terrifying, but I am managing to go short distances and not die, so I guess that’s progress. Even if it means I have to spend the next 5 days recovering from the exhaustion of all the emotions.
I keep thinking back on how different things were 5 years ago. How I could pretty much do anything I wanted, whenever I wanted and it wouldn’t even require a conscious decision, let alone a subconscious battering of panic. It does make you think ‘Why me?’
A LOT. It bothers me that other people don’t understand it, how I have lost friends because of it. how my life is just not what it was. Yes I am alive, I have plenty to be thankful for, but boy do I miss just going to sit round a friends or going to church or pub lunches and the cinema. It’s hard to live a life where you feel trapped by yourself. Stuck between wanting to get out of the house and not being to cross that threshold. UGH.