The good, the bad and the ugly..

When you live with a mental illness or two, you find that things ebb and flow. Like the pull of the moon on the ocean. 

 Certain things can lift your mood right up and other things drag it so far down. Many people struggle most with the latter. No one really likes a low mood, whether you’re ‘

depressed’ or not, but some people actually struggle with the lighter side of things.

 You see, having depression does funny things to your brain, you begin to think that you shouldn’t ever be feeling happy if you have depression. When you’re coming out of a low slump and feel that little burst of ‘today isn’t that bad’ it can make you feel like a fraud.

Like your diagnosis, ‘your label’ is the be all and end all of your existence and that you should always fit into that stereotype. 

When people say things like ‘you don’t look depressed’ it could be fatal. That person may already be at the end of their tether. Using all the spare energy they can muster to put on a brave face and go out that day and you’ve just crushed everything with 4 little words. 

If you know someone with depression, or someone opens up about their mental illness, try to think before you make a flippant remark. Try ‘how are you doing?’ Or ‘do you need anything?’ 

Those 4 words can make a difference for the better – this gives you one person that cares. One person that is there for you that day and sometimes that is all it takes to change the mindset of a person. 

Please be nice to people, you don’t know what is going on under the surface, behind that bubbly smile. 
Suicide and suicidal thoughts are very real problems that are not as outwardly shown as other things. The death of person simply because they have a chemical imbalance that tells them death is the better option than tirelessly fighting a losing battle. I don’t think we will ever completely eradicate suicide, but we can certainly make huge progress towards making it less common. 
Right now, I’m doing moderately okay. I’m not jumping for joy but I’m also not planning the route the bridge. 

The little things 

Trying to find the good in life is hard when everything feels so empty and so black.

Obviously, I’m alive, clothed, housed and fed. That’s four pretty damn good things, and I am grateful. I have a little close knit bundle of wonderful friends – 3 or 4 extra specials, and my family too. Of course there is pupdog as well. I know I am very lucky, and I am not ungrateful for these things. 

It’s just hard to feel happy with your lot when you can’t feel anything but emptiness and overwhelming sadness on a daily basis. 
I’m drowning more often than I’m not lately. I’m not wading through life with little difficulty and water in my wellies. I’m being dragged around by a ferocious ocean and comtantly getting pulled under. I’m still trying to focus on the shore, on my safe haven and making my way back to a relatively normal existence on solid ground. 
I can’t get a doctors appointment to save my life (quite literally!) and it’s increasingly frustrating trying to fight a losing battle. I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m not sleeping and I am  struggling to keep my thoughts on the little things. 

Trying to keep my little business running, to make ends meet, to meet the needs of my dog and generally cope with being an adult is harder than I hoped right now. The weather is all over the place and planning anything is practically impossible when my brain doesn’t want to play ball. 
Still. I try. I keep trying. I’m hunting for the little things. The sunshine, the butterflies, brioche and coffee, technology, a good book. My bed, my favourite hoody, somehow not many of these things bring me the joy they once did. 

Barely functioning…

This year feels like an unrelenting inundation of bad luck and crappy things happening to me.  I feel like I am just about keeping my head above the water. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t even remember if I brushed my hair today or not. UGH.

Thank goodness for the dog dragging me into the outside world every day or I fear I would be determined to never go out there again. I am trying to keep myself motivated to get tasks done and not fall into a shitty routine of sleeping/staying in bed all day and be up all night doing too much of nothing, scrolling through the social media black hole.

Job hunting is such an arduous task when you are living with mental illness. It is just so limiting. Where do I even start. I need a job that is within walking distance or virtual based, doesn’t involve too much in terms of social interactions and allows me to come home to let my dog out to the toilet often enough that I am not coming home to a poopocalypse! It’s just not going to happen is it. I have been blessed to have my online based job this past three years or so, but I don’t think I will ever find something to fill that spec again.

Organise, De-stash & Make More Space.

Sounds simple enough. It’s a great thing to put in your diary once every few months.

There is a problem though. This task with mental illness becomes very hit and miss. You can start it with all the greatest intentions in the world, and you may even complete it! Go you! However, I tend to find that I get about halfway and then it creeps in…’Don’t throw that doohickey you’ve had for ten years and never found a use for, you’ll probably need it tomorrow if you do.’

Then every other item you try to sort becomes a burden. A fight with yourself on whether you really do need to keep it, or whether you are being irrational – because your brain is telling you it IS worth keeping, deep down you know it’s just clutter.

This past weekend I set myself the goal of sorting through my crafting stuff and doing a little bit of a re-jig of my room to give me a bit more space and to feel a little less like I am trapped in a box.  BIG MISTAKE! I am a crafter – an artist and have been collecting hoarding! creative materials for well over 15 years!

I’ve been at it for days, I have been successful in some respects and have condensed it down by about a third! Yay! It’s just that now I have piles of things to sort and house, zero motivation & barely any space to put anything. Argh!

The voice is there telling me to just shove it all in a box for next time. Push it out of sight out of mind. My gut is telling me to just get it sorted. This is what happens. It becomes more overwhelming by the minute and soon becomes something that is more hassle than it’s worth. How do people do it?! I always get to this point, despite how much I tell myself I won’t. It’s so frustrating. I used to set myself a task of sorting and work my way through it, rationally, and bam job done. No problemo.

Now I just feel overwhelmed, burdened by stuff and completely at a loss. Almost certainly worse off than I was before I started. How can I throw a buttload of things away and end up with less space. It just doesn’t make sense. I’m stuck in some weird other dimension and I don’t like it.

I don’t have a tiny room by any means. I just happen to have a room that is my bedroom, where my dog also predominantly lives, a fish tank(100l on a cupboard!) and my whole entire creative business is housed – complete with packaging products! There’s probably somewhere in the region of 3000 envelopes in my room! Sheesh!

It’s ridiculous. So who wants to come finish it for me?

No-one?!

Ugh fine. I will do it then. *sigh*